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Conversation Toolkit for Success: Asking for help:
This article addresses requests or asking for help. Part 1 described commitments. All articles cover definitions, impact, and questions for reflection. Each is brief and intended to provoke thinking. All draw from the work of Fernando Flores and Humberto Maturana.
I’m guilty. I usually think I must do everything alone. Surely someone will volunteer. Surely they’ve read my mind that I would welcome help. To ask for help is a symptom of incompetence. Isn’t it?
Long ago, maybe 14 years ago, I was telling my 10 year-old daughter of a dream in which I had much to do to pull Thanksgiving dinner together for the large family. My mother-in-law was waiting not so patiently for the food to arrive. I was behind schedule and being punished for it. My daughter asked, “why didn’t you ask for help?” Even though it was only a dream, it reflected my life pattern of doing it all on my own tainted with a degree of resentment. I was stunned to see that my daughter knew things I didn’t. I still learn from her regularly.
How often do others do this? In my experience, there are a lot of us. Leaders cannot achieve their goals without help. A great vision is not implemented without help. Coercing is an option, of course. Asking for help is more powerful and effective.
Definition of asking for help:
To request.
What could be more straightforward? It’s not lack of understanding that is the problem. It’s the act of asking. So why would a competent person ask for help?
Impact:
Requests are more inviting than being told what to do. Requests imply the ability to decline. People are more likely to say yes when they have an opportunity to say no, to shape the way it is fulfilled, or to negotiate the time frame. They are less likely to feel coerced into doing something.
Requests potentially free you to do something else.
That’s obvious. With one less thing on your plate, you can tackle what else needs to be done or you prefer to do.
Requests provide an opportunity to expand skills.
Someone might see this as an opportunity to develop abilities, or gain visibility, or simply serve. There are people who like to help for the sake of helping.
Requests might enlist someone who is more competent than you.
I know it’s hard to believe, but you are not the best at everything. Ask for help where you need it. Martyrs are not popular.
Questions for reflection:
- Am I overwhelmed with too much on my plate?
- Are there others in my family or on the team who just don’t know that I need help?
- What could be the downside of just asking? I’ve already got no for an answer, just by not asking.
- What else might I be able to do that’s more important, interesting, or beneficial if I received help in other areas?
- How am I doing a disservice to others by not giving them this opportunity?
- Can I describe what it is that I need without blaming or judging them for not having seen the need already?
- Do I think through and explain what I need so that the person doesn’t need to do more than once?
- Am I open to having “it” done in a way that isn’t “my way”?
- What one request could I make tomorrow?
- Am I honoring others’ requests?
I’m interested in your thoughts.
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